The Humor Mill - Liberals Explained

I've been looking for a good example to explain to my kids what liberalism is. Well, I found it. Enjoy.



Snorf!!

Obama Doesn't Want a Crash

Well, Herr Obama is at it again. In response to questions about immigration, according to the Associated Press, he dropped this line: "It's very important for us to sequence these big initiatives in a way where they don't all just crash at the same time." The sad thing, this is probably what he meant to say. But, after further review, we've figured out the complete truth to what he meant. What Barry Meant: "Look. I'm tired of all the stupid questions about what I'm going to do. Being a deity is hard work and I have many things to do, including popping out of a birthday cake later on today. Yeah, I'm going to get amnesty pushed through, including expanding of the holes in our border. For crying out loud, I can only do so much at once. Unfortunately, the big things are starting to fall apart and I don't need another failure right now. Where is that Advil I asked for?"

Mr. Gates Goes to Jail, Sorta

Well, more details are out now. While most of it is pretty boring, we've pulled the best quotes from those involved and translated them for you. Enjoy!!

• When asked to come outside, Henry replied, "Why, because I'm a black man in America?" What Henry Gates Meant: "Hell no, I won't go outside! I ain't falling for that again. The last time a cracker like you asked me outside, he beat my black ass silly with a pillow case full of door knobs."
• When asked if there was anyone else in the house, Gates yelled a bunch of stuff, including that it wasn't anyone's business and the cop was racist. WHGM: "What, you don't think a black man can own a home like this? Only whitey can own a nice house? Is that it? What's that I smell? Pork? Pork? Yeah, that's it! Pork! You racist pig!
  
• Gates tells the cops that they don't know who's he's messing with. WHGM: "I'm a bad man!!"
• When asked multiple times to go outside to talk, he said, "I'll speak with your mama outside." WHGM: "Whatever, pork. I ain't going outside with whitey. Yo mama and I will talk, that's fo sho."
  

Al Gore Is Still Hot

Apparently, the home town of world famous alarmist Al Gore has been setting records for coolness, and not the hipness kind of cool. Three straight days of met or surpassed record lows. For those of you that are either unaware or from the Southern Hemisphere, it's July here and that means high temps. We don't have a direct quote from Al, but here's What Al Woulda Said: "Yeah, well, it appears that, due to the abundance of hot weather, a malfunction has been created in either all thermometers or in human ability to record numbers. Either way, my stash of cash is safe."

Henry Gates Gets Busted In His Own Crib

Well, it appears that electing a black man to be president didn't cure all of the issues that people of color have. Anyway, I'm sure this story will become more interesting, but the first quote from the esteemed Mr. Gates is a good start.

• "This is what happens to black men in America." What Henry Meant: "Damn crackers, coming up in my crib, arresting me just for 'breaking' into my own pad? I work at Harvard, man. HAR-VARD, yo!!! You don't know me? I ain't showing you ID. You just want my ID 'cause I'm black! Fight the power!!!"
  

Ed Schultz Needs Some Depends

Well, I'm just dredging up old quotes because some of them are so unbelievable and funny. Here's one of our favorite quote machines, Big Ed, from 11/26/08, or thereabouts. He was whining about the fact that conservative talk show hosts were invited to the White House by GW, while he wasn't.

• "And the progressive talkers, you know, we lefties with microphones, we were never invited to the White House. Never got a chance to even urinate on the yard. You know? None of that." What Big Ed Meant: "Just because I hate George Bush and have gone out of my way to show that I hate him doesn't mean that I don't have feelings. I, mean, come on! Just an invitation is all I wanted. It's probably a good thing, though. Had I been in the presence of such a brave and honest man, I would've soiled myself and pissed on his shoes."

Au Revoir, Sarah Palin

The lovely Sarah Palin has resigned from her post as governor in Alaska. Let's take a look at what she had to say about the decision. Well, she tends to say what she means, so reading between the lines isn't any fun in this case. Sorry.

Mark Sanford, World Class Genius

This shouldn't need any setup. Guy cheats on wife, comes up with priceless quotes. Let us take a look at what he really meant.

• "This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story," Sanford said. "A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day." What Sanford Meant: "The chick is from South America! How hot is that? And, she slept with me, a married white cracker from South Carolina. Come on, that's hot stuff!! Stuff dreams are made of!"
• During an emotional interview at his Statehouse office with The Associated Press on Tuesday, Sanford said Chapur is his soul mate but he's trying to fall back in love with his wife. WSM: "Chapur is by far the hottest woman in my life. Damn, man!! As far as my ex-wife, I mean wife, I hope she doesn't cut off the little governor in the middle of the night."
• Sanford said Tuesday that he "crossed lines" with a handful of women other than his mistress—but never had sex with them. WSM: "I'm a player, yo. Sex, nope. Other stuff, you know it. The man can play."
  
• He said that during the encounters with other women he "let his guard down" with some physical contact but "didn't cross the sex line." He wouldn't go into detail. WSM: "If you need details, watch HBO and figure it out. I got my needs met. Boy, did I ever get my needs met!"
• [T]he casual encounters happened outside the U.S. while he was married but before he met Chapur, on trips to "blow off steam" with male friends. WSM: "It wasn't gay, or anything like that. Just guys experimenting, ya know? Once you leave the U.S. border, there's so much more stuff that's legal. I always wondered why Michael Jackson didn't move outside the country. Not that I like boys."
  

Manny is Back - Sorta

Well, everybody's favorite guy out in left field, Manny, is back on a baseball field. So, let's take a look at what he said and what he really meant.

• When asked about steroids, "I don't want to talk about that," Ramirez told the AP. "I'm not talking about it anymore. I already said what I'm going to say." What Manny Meant: "I don't know what you're talking about. That was, like, a long time ago and I don't even remember what I had for lunch."
  
• "I'm here to do my rehab, you know ... get a couple at-bats and get back to the big league team." WMM: "My summer break is almost over! I'm so happy!"
• "Get a feel for my legs, how my legs are going to respond." WMM: "I like butterflies."
• "I haven't played like in 50 days, but I'm going to catch up slowly, day by day." WMM: That's actually what he meant.
  

Ed Schultz is Amazing

Big Ed is fast becoming a source so bountiful that an entire blog could be dedicated to dissecting his "brilliance". Anyway, here's the latest from a recent appearance on Morning Joe.

• When asked if he actually thought that Dick Cheney wants Americans to die for political gain, he responded thusly: "Absolutely. Absolutely." What Big Ed Meant: "Yes I believe it! Dick Cheney is plotting to kill them himself if he has to. He and Osama are ready to execute their second 9/11 attack very soon. I hate him!!"
• "I'm telling you what I think; I'm telling you what I believe. I got a lot of support when I said that on the Ed program, I got a lot of support overnight when I said it again." WBEM: "I owe all I am to my kook fringe fan-base. Both of my fans texted me and told me they thought it was a brilliant thing for me to say. The weasel in my pants, was indifferent, though."
• "I really believe, because I think it's all about the conservatives grabbing the power and keeping it. These folks hate. Just my opinion. I mean, I don't want to offend anybody." WBEM: "I'm just a nobody from North Dakota and I really don't know what I'm saying. The weasel in my pants tells me what to say."
  

Ed Wants Dick Dead

Big Ed is back in the news, this time for spreading the hate. Wait, that's always why he's in the news. Never mind. Anyway, he has his Dick Cheney voodoo doll out and the pins are flying fast.

• "He is an enemy of the country, in my opinion, Dick Cheney is, he is an enemy of the country. He's making it harder for those who are in power right now to protect the country. He's about the political divide. It just, I just think the guy's such a freakin' loser. You know, Lord, take him to the promised land, will you? See, I don't even wish the guy goes to hell, I just want to get him the hell out of here." What Big Ed Meant: "Die, Dick, die!!! Descend into hell where you can live with your father, Satan. Why don't these pins work? He must be part of the living dead! Oh, hell, he's coming for me! Mommy!!!!!"
  

Manny Blames His Doctor

Mr. Ramirez finally spoke. Well, not really. It was a statement released by the players union. We all know Manny didn't write this and he probably didn't participate in the writing. But, let's assume that he did, because that makes this blog funny.

• "Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue." What Manny Meant: "I like baseball."
• "He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me." WMM: "My doctor is super smart."
• "Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility." WMM: "It's not my fault, is it?"
• "I have been advised not to say anything more for now." WMM: "I've never been allowed to talk, so why are you surprised now?"
• "I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons." WMM: "Can I go now? I have to get ready for a game."
• "I want to apologize to Mr. McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, Mr. Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization, and to the Dodger fans. LA is a special place to me and I know everybody is disappointed. So am I. I'm sorry about this whole situation. " WMM: "What? I'm on summer break? Sweet! For how long? How long is 50 games?"