Mr. Gates Goes to Jail, Sorta

Well, more details are out now. While most of it is pretty boring, we've pulled the best quotes from those involved and translated them for you. Enjoy!!

• When asked to come outside, Henry replied, "Why, because I'm a black man in America?" What Henry Gates Meant: "Hell no, I won't go outside! I ain't falling for that again. The last time a cracker like you asked me outside, he beat my black ass silly with a pillow case full of door knobs."
• When asked if there was anyone else in the house, Gates yelled a bunch of stuff, including that it wasn't anyone's business and the cop was racist. WHGM: "What, you don't think a black man can own a home like this? Only whitey can own a nice house? Is that it? What's that I smell? Pork? Pork? Yeah, that's it! Pork! You racist pig!
  
• Gates tells the cops that they don't know who's he's messing with. WHGM: "I'm a bad man!!"
• When asked multiple times to go outside to talk, he said, "I'll speak with your mama outside." WHGM: "Whatever, pork. I ain't going outside with whitey. Yo mama and I will talk, that's fo sho."
  

Al Gore Is Still Hot

Apparently, the home town of world famous alarmist Al Gore has been setting records for coolness, and not the hipness kind of cool. Three straight days of met or surpassed record lows. For those of you that are either unaware or from the Southern Hemisphere, it's July here and that means high temps. We don't have a direct quote from Al, but here's What Al Woulda Said: "Yeah, well, it appears that, due to the abundance of hot weather, a malfunction has been created in either all thermometers or in human ability to record numbers. Either way, my stash of cash is safe."

Henry Gates Gets Busted In His Own Crib

Well, it appears that electing a black man to be president didn't cure all of the issues that people of color have. Anyway, I'm sure this story will become more interesting, but the first quote from the esteemed Mr. Gates is a good start.

• "This is what happens to black men in America." What Henry Meant: "Damn crackers, coming up in my crib, arresting me just for 'breaking' into my own pad? I work at Harvard, man. HAR-VARD, yo!!! You don't know me? I ain't showing you ID. You just want my ID 'cause I'm black! Fight the power!!!"
  

Au Revoir, Sarah Palin

The lovely Sarah Palin has resigned from her post as governor in Alaska. Let's take a look at what she had to say about the decision. Well, she tends to say what she means, so reading between the lines isn't any fun in this case. Sorry.

Mark Sanford, World Class Genius

This shouldn't need any setup. Guy cheats on wife, comes up with priceless quotes. Let us take a look at what he really meant.

• "This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story," Sanford said. "A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day." What Sanford Meant: "The chick is from South America! How hot is that? And, she slept with me, a married white cracker from South Carolina. Come on, that's hot stuff!! Stuff dreams are made of!"
• During an emotional interview at his Statehouse office with The Associated Press on Tuesday, Sanford said Chapur is his soul mate but he's trying to fall back in love with his wife. WSM: "Chapur is by far the hottest woman in my life. Damn, man!! As far as my ex-wife, I mean wife, I hope she doesn't cut off the little governor in the middle of the night."
• Sanford said Tuesday that he "crossed lines" with a handful of women other than his mistress—but never had sex with them. WSM: "I'm a player, yo. Sex, nope. Other stuff, you know it. The man can play."
  
• He said that during the encounters with other women he "let his guard down" with some physical contact but "didn't cross the sex line." He wouldn't go into detail. WSM: "If you need details, watch HBO and figure it out. I got my needs met. Boy, did I ever get my needs met!"
• [T]he casual encounters happened outside the U.S. while he was married but before he met Chapur, on trips to "blow off steam" with male friends. WSM: "It wasn't gay, or anything like that. Just guys experimenting, ya know? Once you leave the U.S. border, there's so much more stuff that's legal. I always wondered why Michael Jackson didn't move outside the country. Not that I like boys."